Nurturing Your Sexual Abuse Wounds During Pregnancy: Let Yourself Feel.
Dawn Bussey CD(DONA), birth doula, Ann Arbor, MI
www.mydouladawn.com
May 1, 2012
April was Sexual Assault Awareness Month and so I would like to post this article that I wrote as a wrap up to this very important month.
During the 10 months that a woman carries her child, is perhaps for some the perfect time to heal–given that she is ready to embrace her wounds. The particular wounds that I am referring to in this article are sexual abuse wounds: childhood or adult, past, current, or continuous. Here is the statistic that answers our question of relevancy: 1 in 4 women have disclosed being sexually assaulted at least once in her life (Mickey, S. & Julia, S., 2008). Thus, many women are survivors of one kind of sexually traumatic incident/s or another. Many women know that they have experienced abuse, but if the culture in which they were raised was filled with dysfunction the case may be that they did not recognize abusive behaviors as such. In certain contexts and at maturity levels, abuse may seem normal especially if no one steps up and declares the situation a problem, but instead turns their face from the abuse, ignores, or denies it. So, for some, the healing process cannot begin until the abuse is identified as abuse and one believes that she is a survivor. Identifying abuse as abuse and subsequently, declaring a survivor as a survivor is step number one in the healing process.
My experience as a domestic violence and sexual abuse counselor/advocate was in the same breath heavy and satisfying work, informs my current work as a birth doula and allows me to better serve survivor moms. Just to be clear, survivor moms are women who have a history of abuse and are mothers or becoming mothers. The model that I embraced as a counselor was one of “empowerment”—coming alongside survivors and listening to their stories week after week and empowering them to heal in their own time and in their own way. Often times, I spent a lot of time educating about abuse, literally helping them identify that what they experienced or were experiencing that moment was emotional, physical, and/or sexual abuse. Emotional abuse is sometimes hard to see because most of it is so subtle and psychologically twisted. I taught about the signs and signals of abuse, boundaries, and healthy and unhealthy relationships. I helped normalize their experiences, feelings and pain regarding the abuse, which is something I also do for women who are in labor. Simply saying, “yes, I know that that hurts” or “that feeling of panic is normal” can go a long way in providing effective emotional support to survivors and laboring moms. All this to say, that I have an intimate knowledge and experience of what survivor moms need having worked with survivors and moms exclusively.
How might one go about nurturing their sexual abuse wounds during pregnancy?
Since pregnancy is a major trigger for survivors, a survivor mom may very well be confronted with the challenge to deal with her wounds during this time (Mickey, S. & Julia, S., 2008). It is, of course okay, if she is not ready to start or continue the healing process during the pregnancy—the empowerment model stresses that change and effective healing will happen only when she is ready to move forward. The decision must come from within. However, we could all guess that the manifestations of PTSD–re-experiencing, dreams, recollections, flashbacks, high alert mentality, fear–that a survivor mom may experience are not healthy for the mom or baby. So, if she is experiencing PTSD while pregnant then she might do well to not ignore it for hers and the baby’s sake (Mickey, S & Julia S, 2008).
Ideas about how to reach out and heal: journaling, talking to a counselor, opening up to a trusted friend, drawing or sketching, writing a song or poem, envisioning and how to respond and cope with your particular vulnerabilities for the next birth and getting the emotional support you need (i.e. a doula or something similar), and these are just a few ideas that have worked for many women. Some women have written out a specific list of things that they need in labor for their caregivers to know. For example, “when doing vaginal exams, I need you to ask permission, move slowly, explain to me exactly what you are doing and why, and allow me to stop the exam at any given second, and offering me validation at every step. Caregivers found this very useful in providing sensitive care to their patients.
Resources
*Book: When Survivors Give Birth: Understanding and Healing the Effects of Early Sexual Abuse on the Childbearing Woman by Penny Simkin
–When Survivors Give Birth provides survivors and their maternity caregivers with extensive information on the prevalence and short- and long-term effects of childhood sexual abuse, emphasizing its possible impact on childbearing women. Challenges in the client-caregiver relationship are thoroughly portrayed, with much practical advice for improving trust and communication as well as self-help techniques to handle abuse-related distress. Chapters on birth counseling, psychotherapy, and clinical care of survivors make this book a useful resource for survivors and all who work with them (450 pages). http://www.pennysimkin.com/products.htm
*Book: Survivor Moms by Mickey Sperlich, MA, CPM, and Julia S. Seng, Ph.D., CNM http://www.storycirclebookreviews.org/reviews/survivormoms.shtml
*WomanSafe Health: http://www.womansafehealth.com/ Getting the safe, informed, sensitive OB/GYN care that pregnant survivors need. Dr. Elizabeth Shandigian and her team’s practice is integrated with understanding the particular sensitivities needed to empower survivors through and during medical care.
*Melissa Schuster is a Psychotherapist for the Childbearing Year in Ann Arbor, MI: http://www.melisaschuster.com/about.html
*SafeHouse Center, Ann Arbor, MI: http://www.safehousecenter.org/ They offer 6 months of free counseling to all survivors of sexual or domestic violence whether it happened during childhood, adulthood, or is current. They also have groups were women can come together and share on a weekly bases their healing journeys.
*Local doulas–birth and postpartum: http://center4cby.com/birth-doulas.html or http://center4cby.com/postpartum-doulas.html
References
Mickey, S. & Julia, S., 2008. Survivor Moms: Women’s Stories of Birthing, Mothering and Healing After Sexual Abuse. Motherbaby Press: Eugene, OR.